Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
