I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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