i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
