Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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