just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just high enough for therapy.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
