When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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