He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
