I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
