Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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