god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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