we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
