someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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