I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize