my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
