Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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