i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
