Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
