Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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