I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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