Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
