The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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