Non-Jews are for practice
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
