if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
