All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
