i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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