Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
where are you?
Hypothermia
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
