I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
