You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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