I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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