God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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