I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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