you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
