In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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