I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
