That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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