Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
