apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
