When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
