FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
