There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Randomize
