after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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