How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
