Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
