I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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