what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
