My room smells like vodka and shame
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
