i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
MIDGETS
????
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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