the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
