Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
