Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize