i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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