i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
