I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
