what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We got so high we made milksteak
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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