It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
