New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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