I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
