It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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