I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
