I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
