why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Randomize
